tis the season

Christmas cheer has descended upon the City of Light. The rues and storefronts have been strung with lights and decorations, and the Marché de Noël is in full swing along La Défense and the Champs-Élysées. I’m currently sitting in a decked out Starbucks in Saint-Germain-en-Laye trying to recall all the things I want to write about since it has been a while since my last post. Saturdays are the only days where I am able to shut off my alarm and sleep as long as I want, so waking up today I felt like having a relaxing day catching up on blogging, studying, and reading instead of venturing out into the city.

The mood since the Paris attacks has been fairly normal. I’ve talked to a few French people just asking what the general attitude was among the French. While I think it’s safe to say people are worried, at the same time you just have to carry on and go about your normal life. You can’t be afraid to step out of the house. You just have to be vigilant (every time I use this word, I think “Constant vigilance!” Harry Potter fans will understand that reference.) and just keep on keeping on. People have asked me if I’m scared, and the answer is no, I’m really not. I can’t really put a finger on why I’m not afraid, but I guess it’s a good thing. If I was too afraid to be in the city, then I might as well just come home to America. But I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to come home and live in fear, and I’m certainly not going to let anything steal my time in Paris from me. I just have to hope that the city stays safe, and that the collaborative efforts of the governments fighting ISIS will be successful.

A week ago, I came to Saint Germain for the first time. It’s a suburb (or banlieu) further out than my town from the city center, but it’s so quaint and charming. As soon as you exit the RER, you see the Château de Saint-Germain-en-Laye, a beautiful building that sits on a large park that must be just gorgeous in spring when everything is in bloom. If you walk to the end of the park, there is a great view that overlooks the city of Paris. You can see La Défense and just make out the top of the Eiffel Tower. I will definitely be visiting the park again when it gets warmer. After walking around the park, I started wandering around the winding streets and went into a couple of little shops. 

I ended up at Starbucks to work on some French, and by this point it had started to rain on this already cold day. I was wearing my warmest coat and thought…this is not going to get me through this winter. So I hopped back on the RER and headed to Les Quatre Temps in La Défense in search of a parka.

The winter chill really only began a few weeks ago, and it will get colder still. And if you haven’t gathered from my previous posts, if I want to go anywhere, I walk. The rail system here is really good, so most people in the city don’t own cars. Many in the suburbs own them, but it’s really not common for someone my age to own a car. There’s really no need, because even if you did own one, you really don’t want to be driving in the city. Much more convenient to walk, because with the RER/Metro/Trains the entire city is easily accessible. When I first arrived, the weather for the first couple of weeks was amazing. It was warm and beautiful with clear blue skies, so having to walk anywhere was no problem for me. But it’s now November 28^th. It’s cold and it rains a lot in Paris. I don’t have the luxury of staying inside on a particularly cold or nasty day, or the luxury of driving a car and only being outside long enough to walk from a parking lot into a building. I was laughing to myself the other day thinking about the few times where it was raining so hard in Lynchburg, the staff that left LUO at 4:45 would just stare out at the torrential downpour not wanting to walk the 50 feet to their car. I was one of those people. If that had been Paris, you just suck it up and walk. If it’s freezing and/or pouring rain, the kiddo still needs to get to school, I still need to go to French class, and the walk from the house to the school to the RER station is 0.8 miles. I use the RER and 2 different metros to get to class so it’s a lot of walking through different stations, then it’s a short walk from the last metro to my language school. I definitely get my exercise, that’s for sure. No complaints here though. Keeps me skinny.

So the key to not being miserable while making the trek all over the place in any weather condition is all-weather gear. I invested in some really good rain boots and snow boots before I came. I’ve only needed my rain boots so far, but they’ve been a life saver. No need for me to avoid puddles or be worried about walking all over the place with wet feet. Nope. I’ve noticed that the French don’t seem to wear wellies when it’s raining. Standing on the platform in my Hunter boots, I feel like I stand out, but I don’t care. I’ll keep my warm, dry feet; they can keep their cold, wet ones. My nice snow boots are going to be awesome once winter is full blown and the rain is freezing. The problem though was my coat. I didn’t have much room to pack more than 3 coats. I brought a trench coat, a black winter coat, and my Burton jacket. Last week when I wore my black winter coat in Saint Germain, I realized that I needed something water resistant and something the wind wouldn’t cut through. And while my Burton is warm and all, it’s not really ideal if I want to stay super warm, but I’m going out on the town with friends. I wanted something a bit nicer that I could wear everywhere, but would keep me sane when having to walk around in the elements. So I went to La Défense and found a black parka filled with down feathers and a big hood. After a week of wearing it around, I can honestly say that the €99 I spent on it was totally worth it. I literally can’t believe how warm it is, and with the rain we’ve had this week, I can just brush the water right off. Money well spent. Parka, rain boots, and umbrella are necessary if you ever visit Paris in the fall or winter. Take it from someone who hates winter, rain, and the cold. I will own this season. I will not be defeated.  

Sunday after church, me and a friend took advantage of the beautiful weather to visit the Marché de Noël. The Christmas markets are full of booth after booth of artisan goods and foods, places to eat, and there are even stalls of donkeys at the one in La Défense. I bought some Christmas presents here and then we went down to the market along the Champs-Élysées, which is much bigger since it runs down both sides of the street all the way to the temporary ferris wheel that has been set up in Place de la Concorde. We wanted to go on the ferris wheel, but at 12 euros for a ride, we were both feeling cheap and decided to skip it. There were some carnival rides and even a temporary ice rink as well. Yesterday, I went back to the market in La Défense with another friend, and I tried vin chaud (hot wine) for the first time. It was like a hot sangria with cinnamon, and was really good. I still need to take a stroll down the Champs when it’s dark to see the lights, but I have a month to make that happen before the markets pack up for the season. I’m also hoping to make it to Disneyland Paris before Christmas as well because…well, hello, it’s Christmas at Disney. I don’t need to explain why.

The only other thing that has kept my mind occupied is the French language. In the last two weeks, we’ve learned future and past tense, so I am finally able to start saying things like “I’m going to go study in Saint Germain” (Je vais étudier à Saint Germain.) or “I just learned passé composé” (Je viens d’apprendre le passé composé.). But passé composé (past tense) is super complicated. Ce n’est pas facile. On top of that, the French articles have been my biggest challenge. There are so many, and they are of the utmost importance: la, le, les, du, de la, de l’, aux, à, des etc. etc. Use them incorrectly, and what you’re saying won’t make a lick of sense. I’ve stopped resorting to asking “parlez-vous anglais” when I go somewhere, unless what I need to ask is completely beyond my ability to communicate, or they start speaking back to me and I have no idea what they are asking me. For the most part, the French I hear in the classroom and with my host family I am able to understand. Sometimes, that’s not the case, but I can usually figure out what I’m hearing. In class, I’ve done pretty well on both my tests so far, so my ability to read and write at the beginner level is definitely coming along. What’s still super difficult for me is hearing really rapid French, and trying to comprehend it, and also forming the words on the spot to respond in a conversation. If I’m alone in my room and relaxed, I can typically figure out how to form a basic sentence that would answer a question or explain what I am doing. But in the moment if I’m put on the spot, it’s like everything I’ve learned falls out of my head. My language teacher keeps telling me not to stress, because it will cause me to shut down. She hasn’t been wrong about that.

PS, at this very moment, Judy Garland’s “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is playing over the speakers, and it’s everything in me not to start singing along. Fun fact, that song was written for one of my all-time favorite movies Meet Me in St. Louis. That’s right. That song wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for that movie, and if you haven’t seen the movie, you need to see the movie. Moving on…

The only other significant thing that happened was missing Thanksgiving with my family. My mom is an amazing cook, so missing out on her perfectly brined turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry relish was a big bummer. But thankfully, I got to Skype with them for about 3 hours after I got out of class and even got to watch some of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, so I was there in spirit. 

It’s a strange feeling seeing them and the house and the lake and realizing I’m thousands of miles away and can’t just hop in my car and drive to see them. But a positive thing about being an expat that I’ve noticed lately is how comfortable I feel in Paris now. I still am learning the language (obviously), but after being here now for a full 2 months, this has become my new normal. It’s normal for me not to drive anywhere, it’s normal to not understand most of the conversations happening around me, and it unfortunately feels normal to not be able to call or text my friends and family all the time. I literally am in my own world across the pond. I can’t believe Christmas is almost here, and by that time I will have lived in Paris for 1/3 of my time here already. As much as I don’t want to wish away time, I’m super excited for spring in Paris. I want to be able to walk through all the gardens and spend my days outside. But winter is the red-headed stepchild of the season family, and all the wishing in the world won’t make it pass by faster. Oh well. I’ll make the best of it while I can, and use the winter to visit indoor places. Around May or June, I plan to visit Normandy to see Omaha Beach, and ideally I’d make one more trip to London to visit the Harry Potter studios before coming home.

That’s all for now! I hope all my American friends and family had an amazing Thanksgiving and are gearing up for Christmas. I love this time of year (despite it being in the winter) and I so badly wish I could be home with my family.

À bientôt!

friday the 13th

Friday started out as a normal day. I took G to school and headed to my language class. We had a class field trip to Musée Bourdelle, and afterward I was really craving a burrito from Chipotle (judge all you want), so I stopped at La Défense on my way back home. I sat there happily eating in a corner, and watching a viral video that had been circulating about some young girl demanding free college in America get owned on live TV. I walked upstairs to Starbucks and got yet another delicious gingerbread latte, and laughed as I posted a pic to Instagram that my name is now "Jessie" according to the barista who misheard my name. I refrained from making a satirical comment about my red cup this time, and hoped that people were finally letting it go. I headed back home, showered, cleaned a bit, made G's dinner, and finished getting ready (I was having a fantastic hair day btw).

As I walked to get G from school, I messaged 3 of my friends to see if they wanted to meet up in the city that night. One friend, J was headed to a movie then maybe out afterwards, another had no money to go out, and another had just been told she had to babysit that night. Poor J later ended up having a terrible night on top of an already terrible day by getting locked out of her apartment and decided not to go anywhere. She recounted the entire story to me yesterday, and creepily enough, had such a bad day she had been texting a friend joking that with her luck that day, if she left her apartment she'd probably die by some awful accident. The movie she was planning to see was very close to the area where a lot of the incidents occurred, so thank God for her bad day and friday-the-13th luck. I really really wanted to go out Friday night, so I almost messaged the friend with no money to tell her I'd buy her a couple drinks, but for whatever reason I just decided to be lazy and stay home to watch movies in my room. I think it was a combination of not having definite plans and the gross weather that night, and just not wanting to be out in the misty, muggy rain. I've really wanted to check out an area called Bastille that so many people have told me to go to on a weekend with friends. So had someone been able to meet up, that would have been my suggested place to go. Bastille is in the 11th arrondissement and is about a 15 minute walk (less than a mile) from the Bataclan Club. With the metros being stopped and the chaos and curfew that ensued, I would have been stuck in the heart of the city and probably would have walked to J's apartment all the way in the 7th arrondissement (would have taken like an hour). All that to say, thank God for crappy weather, bad luck days, and being broke. All my friends are safe. None of my friends from church were hurt either.

It was J that replied to the group message asking if we were all ok and telling us what happened. Her friend in the US texted her asking if she was all right, and then she let us all know. Then I started streaming the news and the FB messages from my US friends and family started pouring in. At this point, it was just chaos and no one really knew what the motive was or who was behind it. But I appreciate all the love, prayers, comments, and messages from so many people wanting to make sure I was ok. Facebook had this handy safety check thing to mark yourself safe. A pretty cool feature that just popped up on my newsfeed.

Saturday, the city was pretty much shut down. I didn't leave the house, and at some point it was confirmed that ISIS had been behind these carefully coordinated attacks. I've of course heard of ISIS. I remember hearing about the attacks in Paris back in January revolving around Charlie Hebdo when 12 people were killed and 11 injured. When I first moved here, I noticed that when you walk into the Les Quatre Temps mall from the metro or parking garages, they check your bags every time. I also went into a Wal-Mart type store inside the mall called Auchan, where they check your bags again. I had brought this up to my host family, and I remember her telling me it was because of the January attacks. 

I didn't know that in July ISIS had threatened to "fill the streets of Paris with dead bodies." And after what happened on Friday, I came across this article yesterday where ISIS has claimed "this is just the beginning of the storm." I don't claim to be an expert on what's going on with ISIS. Before Friday, I knew of course they were a threat around the world, but I didn't pay close enough attention to the severity of the situation. Before I came here, I lived in the safety of my little bubble, and maybe in some ways tried to block out the terror happening around the world because little old me can't do anything about it. I'm literally dependent on the safety that our government and servicemen and woman provide to protect our freedom. So right or wrong, I find that it is more peaceful to allow myself to be a little ignorant about the details instead of living in perpetual fear. But being so close to an ISIS related attack, I can't really ignore what is happening anymore. They are here and they hate me. I'm American, I'm Christian, I don't believe in their cause, I am a walking target, and they have vowed not to stop. 

One of the more disturbing and eye opening articles I read was one from Politico.eu:

Al-Adnani called on supporters to launch attacks wherever they could. “The best thing you can do is to strive to your best and kill any disbeliever, whether he be French, American, or from any of their allies,” he said.

“If you are not able to find an IED (improvised explosive device) or a bullet, then single out the disbelieving American, Frenchman, or any of their allies, smash his head with a rock, or slaughter him with a knife, or run him over with your car, or throw him down from a high place, or choke him, or poison him. Do not lack. Do not be contemptible.”

The statement continued: “If you are unable to do so, then burn his home, car, or business. Or destroy his crops. If you are unable to do so, then spit in his face.”

Yes, I knew these people were dangerous. But there is something about being here, seeing these places where some of these attacks happened for myself, and reading that it's not over, that really hit close to home. So why am I not on my way home to the safety of America? Because America isn't safe. ISIS is everywhere, they are sleeper agents of a deadly community that are continually plotting about who and where to terrorize next. They hate America. I'm no safer there than I am here. Perhaps that's not entirely true, since I'm in the capital of France where so many specific threats have been made, and America is quite large and it is much more likely to be safe. But I'm still not convinced. These radicals are everywhere, and they do not care if they are killed in the process of killing others. So what's to stop them from walking into some random store or mall in some random US city and opening fire? Nothing. We are living in a scary time, people. It really makes you stop and think about what's important and those you love, and what is totally unimportant (like a damn red cup). Take nothing and no one for granted and leave nothing unsaid. 

I keep thinking about the one picture from Friday night that struck me most. It was one of the first photos I saw, so the attacks were still ongoing. It was outside one of the restaurants (I can't remember which one), and in it were 3 or 4 bodies covered in bloody sheets outside on the pavement. Yes, there are many photos from the other night that are like that. But this one, I don't know why, was just different for me. They were all girls, and as the news claimed, most of the victims were in their 20s and 30s. I could tell they were girls because of their shoes sticking out from under the sheets. All short boots with heels. And I sat there thinking...these girls got dressed up for a Friday night in Paris. They were out enjoying a meal or drink with friends, laughing, talking, and in one terrifying moment, they were just lifeless corpses on a cold street. In the chaos, their friends and family probably had no idea in that moment where their loved ones were. No idea that the picture they could have come across was actually someone they knew under that sheet. Their phones were probably near, and ringing off the hook with someone on the other line praying and praying for it to be answered. Is that a morbid thought? Yes, but what happened was meant to provoke terror and to throw people into the reality of the situation. This picture did that for me. 

Yesterday, I went to church then decided to go to Place de la Republique and the Bataclan to see for myself the state of things. I took a lot of pictures. Here are a few:

There will always be an enemy threatening our safety and freedom. We need to stand together and not be afraid. Pray for Paris, and pray for humanity.

my week off in Paris and London

11 days since my last post. Sorry about that! I'll try my best to fill in the gaps with all the things I've done. Last week was my week off and I started off in Paris and finished out the week in London. In Paris, we had some nice weather, so after classes in the mornings, me and my friend A took some walks and visited a few places. I finally made it to the top of the Eiffel Tower when we went last Tuesday, and that was incredibly beautiful. We waited in line for about 2 hours and had to walk to the first 2 levels instead of taking the elevator. I'm not super great with heights, so as I started to climb, with nothing keeping me from plummeting to my death except the tall bars on either side of the stairs, I eventually couldn't look at anything except the stairs in front of me and try to forget how high up I was. But the views were spectacular. Once you get to the second level, there is a separate line for the top. We had to wait about 30 more minutes and finally were in an elevator headed to the summit. The elevator ride was straight up and terrifying because it's made of glass, and the top was super chilly and windy and I had to put on my brave face to get close enough to the edge to take good pictures. But we did it and felt like we accomplished something we had been wanting to do, and the day ended up being really clear and beautiful. Once we reached the bottom, we walked out to the lawns and watched the light show (my phone was dead so I couldn't record it). 

The rest of the week was full of studying as much as I could. After my vacation to Londres, Angleterre (French for London, England), I really need to start utilizing the language more often. So Thursday, I headed for the Eurostar station to board the train from Paris to London. Getting there was quite the adventure, and I almost didn't make it.

The RER in Paris doesn’t start running until 5:30 AM. I woke up at 4:45 (horrible, HORRIBLE time to wake up…no alarm clock should ever be set to a time starting with a 4 or 5), the water in the house wasn’t working (no idea why) so I couldn’t brush my teeth (gross). I left the house at 5:40 with my suitcase in tow, and walked to the train station. I waited less than 10 minutes for a train to Saint Lazare station, and I’m thinking “great, I’ll get there in plenty of time.” You don’t need to arrive crazy early at the Eurostar station, but I wanted to get there with about 30 minutes to spare. So I get to Saint Lazare and walk a little ways to catch the RER E to Gare du Nord. It was my first time on this RER and it was a little confusing compared to what I’m used to, but I figured things out and was on my way. Time is getting a little close at this point, since the Eurostar I booked leaves at 7:13 AM and at this point it was 6:40. I expected to go through customs in London, so I thought I’d have time to grab a little breakfast before boarding. Nope. I get there and what do I see? Oh…customs is here. I scan my ticket thanks to my handy Eurostar app on my phone, and get in line. It’s now about 6:55 and the line is long and is going very slowly. Ok, I’m starting to get nervous. I finally get to the front of the line and have them stamp my passport leaving France. Then I get in another line? What is this one for? Are you kidding? Another line to get my passport stamped? Yep, one that shows I’m “entering the UK.” 7:05 AM. Line is barely moving, and I overhear the girl in front of me say she’s on the same train and we’re both starting to panic a little. Finally, some Eurostar workers come over and ask if anyone needs the 7:13 train. Umm yes… “Did you fill out a customs card?” Umm no…. crap crap crap. I run over, and the only pen there doesn’t work. Are you freaking kidding me? “Does anyone have a pen?!” Old guy next to me hands me a pen. I haphazardly fill out this card, and run back to the guy that was helping me, and he ushers me into a line with no one else in it, typically reserved for Business Premier class. The guy at the counter is giving me a hard time, asking why I’m going, why I’m coming from Paris, the address for where I’m staying, when I’m coming back. Finally, he stamps my passport, now I have to go through security, and of course there’s a line. Thankfully, Eurostar dude is ready for me and ushers me to the front of the line. After collecting my belongings, I’m literally running and dragging my suitcase onto the platform, and made it with barely 5 minutes to spare. After reading for a little while, I passed out for the entire trip after this whole ordeal. Good grief.

When I made it to London and everything I see and hear is in English, it was like that moment when you step into a hot shower on a cold day and waves of sweet relief just pour over you. My host family will soon be speaking only in French and will expect me to do the same. I know this will be good in the long run, and I know I need to get over my fear and just not be afraid to make mistakes, because well…I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. I was so overwhelmed by the French language and everything coming at me that I actually cried in class the other day. Not sobbing, but my teacher who I love and who is so so sweet sat down in front of me during an activity and told me she was there to help and just to ask questions when I’m lost and not feel stressed. Her kindness is what made me tear up, but French is just such an intimidating language. I did well on my first test, so I know there are things that I get. But it is one thing to read and write the language and utilize what I’m learning, in which case I feel like I do really well, and a completely different ball game to hear it and try to comprehend. We do oral comprehension exercises. During these, my teacher will play a CD and we have to try to comprehend and answer questions on a worksheet. Wednesday, she played the dialog 4 times, and I didn’t catch more than a few words. It was so fast, and maybe part of it was me in my own head, but I started tearing up and getting so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t make out the words they were saying. And then realizing that hearing only French was going to be my life soon, it was overwhelming and terrifying. Everyone in my class who is not American speaks some level of English. French is the third language most of them are learning, so that too is intimidating. I know I just need to get over the fear.

In London, I did not have more than a couple of days to really explore the city, so I had to prioritize places I hadn't been before and realize I wasn't going to see much. Thursday, I didn't have much time, but I did get to go to Harrod's, which was an enormous department store that took up an entire city block. I bought some English Breakfast tea in a Harrod's tin here.

I did a Big Bus tour on Friday, which is really cool because it does a loop around the city and you can hop on, hop off at any of the sites, and then just walk back to the same bus stop, show your ticket to the next bus and get back on. They run constantly every few minutes, so this was a great way to travel. Plus, the top level is open so you are outside and can really get great views of the city. I started Friday with Westminster Abbey, and I wish I could have taken photos in there because it was incredibly beautiful. I did sneak a couple of photos at the end, so forgive the quality here. The first is a view down the main area of the church, and the second is the Coronation Chair that has been used in every coronation for the British throne since the 1300s. That was so cool to see. 

The rest of the day on Friday I rode around on the Big Bus and enjoyed taking photos of the city. Most of these I posted on Instagram or Facebook, so be sure to check them out! Saturday, was a beautiful day in London. I went to King's Cross and satisfied my Harry Potter nerdiness by getting a photo at Platform 9 3/4. They have a little store right next to it with Harry Potter merchandise, so I may have gotten a few items for me and my sister (you'll get them at Christmas!). 

Then I headed to the British Museum where I spent about 3-4 hours taking in the amazing items there. The thing I was most excited to find there was the Rosetta Stone. I wasn't sure it if was there, but it was and it was so awesome to see it first hand. I even bought a mug to commemorate it haha. They also had a festival going on for Halloween called Days of the Dead, so they had a lot of short shows and displays around the museum, so I had my love of Halloween satisfied. 

After the British Museum, I walked around for a while, and then headed off to see Les Miserables at the West End (their version of Broadway). This is located in Piccadilly Circus, which is an incredibly touristy and crowded area. But the show was absolutely incredible and better than I could ever have hoped. I had an amazing seat and the theater was gorgeous. I walked away with another mug and a cozy shirt that says 24601 on it. If you don't know what that means, clearly you need to watch Les Mis.

The next day I headed back to St Pancras station and took the Eurostar back to Paris. To be honest, I enjoyed the things I saw in London, but I also couldn't wait to get back to Paris. There are several reasons for that, but the reasons aren't the point.

I've discovered something in the last couple of weeks, and maybe I'm just hitting the next stage of being an expat where I'm starting to get homesick, but I've been incredibly emotional and actually pretty lonely. Yes, I'm making great friends, and when I get to go places with those friends, I have a lot of fun. But when I'm forced to visit all these incredible places alone, that isolation and loneliness becomes something I can't ignore. This whole opportunity is one that I am so incredibly thankful God gave me. I am not at all sorry I am here, I don't want to quit now and come home to America just because it's hard (although, it has crossed my mind). I am constantly in awe of the things I get to see and do, and I am completely aware that I am getting to do something that so many people dream about and will never have the chance to do themselves. I can only imagine the long term impact this will have on my life and on me as a person. But let me level with you for a moment. There are many times, if not all the time, when I visit a museum, some monument, or am simply taking a stroll along the Seine when I would give anything to be able to share it with someone I love. The people I am meeting here are great people, but they have only known me for a month. I miss my family and best friends in America more than I can put into words, and I wish so badly I could have just one person here from home. Someone that knows me very well, someone I have history with, someone who knows exactly how to encourage me on the most difficult days when I don't feel like I am capable of doing this whole experience.

I can't really explain what it is like to quit my job, leave my home of 11 years, put all my belongings into storage, leave everyone I know and move to another country for a year. I realize now that so much of who I am has been shaped by my job as a Training Manager, the friends I have in my life, the family I am part of, paying my bills, owning a home and a car (driving a car for that matter), Gospel Community Church, being involved in community groups, all of that made me feel like myself. I feel like I am having an out of body experience, and while I am still the same person, I miss going to a full-time job and earning a salary, I miss the environment I was in, and I miss the people.

I will make the most of this experience and I will visit as many places as I can because I certainly do not want to look back and feel like I wasted my time here. But monuments, museums, beautiful sites...they aren't what make life worth living. I love traveling. It makes me so happy and makes me feel like my soul has come alive, but it doesn't make my life worth living. What makes my life worth living are the people God has placed in my life. My friends, my family, the one I miss...they are life. Loving those people and being loved by those people, that is life. Our relationships with other people are what encourages, builds up, loves, and cherishes us. The Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Big Ben...yes, I am so so so thankful I get to see those places, but they don't love me. They can't speak words of life and encouragement. They can't pick me up when I feel down. I know this and can say this because I have stood at all 3 of those places and many more in the last month and I promise you that every single time I have stood there and thought..."I wish I had someone here to share this with." That thought permeates through everything I do most days. For this reason, I have held back tears at almost every place I've gone the last two or so weeks. Being an expat is not easy. I have not talked to my parents more than a few times, I haven't spoken to more than a handful of my friends because it's hard when I am so many hours ahead. I've emailed, but it's not the same as seeing someone's face or hearing their voice.

I know this is just a different season of life and that one day soon, which will probably come sooner than I realize or will want in the long run, I will be back home in the States and will be able to act and speak the way I was brought up, and most importantly, will have my support system once again. I will be within driving distance of anyone I long to see and will be in the same timezone if I want to make a call. Knowing that these months will slip by quickly, and that in the grand scheme of my life, this will only be a drop in the bucket of time, I do intend to make the most of it. But for those back home, I love you all and I miss you all terribly. If you think about it, say a prayer or even better, send me a FB message and chat with me for a few minutes. You have no idea how encouraging that would be. Thank you all for reading my posts as well, and encouraging me to keep writing. Being able to write is a cathartic outlet that makes me feel connected to everyone and reminds me to keep track of everything I do and feel, so I can look back one day and see the stages of my time here.

This week is back to my normal schedule. I am picking up G in about 40 minutes from school, and then we'll come back, eat dinner, and do homework (both of us). Again, thank you all for keeping up with my time here. I can't believe it's already November, and I'm super bummed I'm going to miss Thanksgiving. I will try not to scroll through my newsfeed that day because seeing everyone's turkey and stuffing and other goodies might be the worst thing ever haha.

À bientôt.

it’s about to get real

It’s been a week already since my last real update. October is flying by faster than I can enjoy it. While I am super bummed that the rest of the world does not celebrate Halloween the way Americans do, I can at least be excited that one week from today, I will be riding the Eurostar through the French countryside on my way to Jolly Old England to spend a long weekend in London. I haven’t been to London in 10 years and I am so excited I could cry. I still need to make a list of all the things I want to do, but I can’t wait! Perhaps I will find something Halloween-y to do since I’ll be there on the 31^st. 

To be honest, I haven’t spent much time in Paris this week. I went out to a movie near Palais Garnier, home of the Paris Opera, and that was an adventure. I was super excited to check out this beautiful movie theater called Le Grand Rex. We get there and turns out none of their movies, including American movies, are shown in English with French subtitles, but are dubbed in French. Such a bummer. Perhaps when I get better at the language I’ll go see a movie there. So my friend and I set off in the direction of the Opera house, per the instructions of the nice gentleman at Le Grand Rex, to locate a theater that does show movies in English with French subtitles. We had pizza at a cute little sidewalk café, complete with outdoor heaters which made it nice and cozy, and then headed to see Crimson Peak.

After that, I’ve spent the majority of time at home this week, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. Lounging with G and watching some obscure Nickelodeon show. Schools here in France work differently than in America. The kids go to school for 6 weeks, then have 2 weeks of vacation. So this week was G’s first week, and I have him home with me. I can’t go to my language classes this week, which is a bummer, but it has been nice to relax a bit and play with G. I can tell that this week having to spend so much time together has really been good at establishing our relationship. There’s been lots of hugs, laughs, and I even got to take him and his friend to see Hotel Transylvania 2 in La Défense. I’ll be honest, that was a bit nerve-wracking because I had 2 kids to guide on and off the metro and through a very urban part of town, both of which don’t speak English, so it was a difficult experience overall. But the kids liked the movie and I saw lots of smiles, so overall it went well. We also went to the local carnival the other day, so there’s been plenty to do.

At home with G, he loves to draw, loves French rap and likes to play the same song over and over and over trying to learn the words. We play a lot of soccer, watch a lot of Disney and Nickelodeon, play cache-cache (hide and seek), and he LOVES to guili guili (tickle tickle) me. It sounds like “gilly gilly” in English. And he loves to be tickled back, proven by the fact that right now as he is playing on his iPad, he’s putting his feet in my face saying “guili guili.” He’s been super affectionate, and will cuddle up to me on the couch if we are watching TV. The kid also has the most addicting laugh. When he really gets going, it’s impossible not to laugh with him. And he does some of the most hilarious things. For example, last night there was a commercial for some show on TV, and there were a few mostly naked guys, and he looks at me and says in perfect English “turn around” while motioning for me to turn. I busted out laughing. I can tell he loves to make me laugh, and when I start laughing like crazy when he’s tickling me, or if he says something I find hilarious, he starts laughing along with me. All that to say, we are bonding and it’s been really good. I’ve also enjoyed spending more time hanging out with the family when they get home. There’s been time for conversation, and I’ve felt much more comfortable and at home.

Last night, my host mom told me that when I come back from London, she is going to start speaking to me only in French. Up until now, she and I have been communicating in English, and despite the fact she thinks her English is terrible, it’s actually very good and I haven’t had to use French at home when she is here. But she knows the best way to help me learn the language is to force me to hear it and then use it when speaking back to her and the rest of the family. She’s right, and I know that it will help me learn, but I’m incredibly nervous. I’m not good at French. The few times I’ve attempted it with G, I generally get some confused expressions. I’ve picked up on a few words that he has said and that I’ve started to use myself, such as quoi (what), arrêt (stop), viens (come), alle (go), prends (take), attend (wait) and fais (do). When he says one of these, depending on the circumstances, I can generally figure out what he wants me to do, but having to speak it back and use the correct articles and conjugations and it make sense…I’m not quite there yet. I guess I won’t have much of a choice here soon. But I know this is how they have helped their previous au pairs learn, so as difficult as it will be, I know it will be beneficial in the long run. Like I said though, I’m incredibly scared about this.

The family will be heading to Bordeaux all next week, so I will be heading to class Monday through Wednesday, then heading to London. I plan to go through all my French notes and try to commit to memory everything I’ve learned in the last 2 weeks of class. It’s a lot, and it’s hard to imagine a day when I will actually be able to speak it decently well. I guess only time will tell.

I’m now being asked to go play soccer outside, so that’s all for now.

À bientôt!

a day strolling the Gardens of Versailles

So this is long overdue since I went to Versailles the first Saturday of October, but I wanted to post some of my favorite pictures of the day. I didn't have the full day to spend since I had to watch G that night, but to be honest, trying to do Versailles in one day is kind of insane. I spent a few hours just wandering around the gardens taking photos with my fancy new camera. I didn't even go inside the palace or to Marie Antoinette's hamlet, which is the little village she had built on the grounds. Sometime this winter I plan to go back and do the palace and in the spring when it's warmer and everything is in bloom again, I'll finally go visit the hamlet and the Petite Trianon (both of which I'm dying to see). I will probably rent a bike next time, and even take a boat ride on the Grand Canal.

The gardens are more extensive than I realized, and although I stayed for probably 3 hours, I still didn't see all of it. Keep in mind, I spent a lot of time taking pictures and just enjoying the beauty of it all. It really is an incredibly beautiful place, and I had a gorgeous day to explore. Below are some of my favorite shots.

The Grand Canal in the distance. It's hard to tell from here, but it's a long way off and goes a long way down.

The Latona Fountain and a peak of the palace in the background. The giant circular mirror in the background is pretty cool because you can get pictures of yourself with the sites in the background. I have one further down.

The beautiful Apollo Fountain with the Grand Canal in the background.

The other side of the Apollo Fountain with the palace in the distance.

The musical fountains. They run the fountains every so often with a musical show. It was really pretty.

Around the South Parterre. My favorite palace views.

Pictures of the Orangerie from the South Parterre.

South Parterre

Palace selfie thanks to the giant curved mirrors. :)

I'll be posting a lot more photos on Facebook here soon. Just for fun, if you are curious to know exactly how extensive the grounds are at Versailles, enjoy this link of a map of the entire Versailles estate!

finally...routine

I'm in shock that we are already halfway through October. I've been so busy since I arrived, that the days slip by quicker than I realize. Most days, I can't even remember the date, and I have to whip out my phone to check. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I love that I have so many things to fill my time that I can say I'm busy. Before I left my job at LUO, most days (weekends included) I had to try hard to find things to do. Those days would generally end with me binge-watching some show on Netflix. Whenever my family and friends would ask me what's new, the answer was always the same..."Nothing new. Working...living...ya know, same old, same old." But not now. There's always something to do to the point where this week after my French class I've just come back to relax a bit at the house, which is exactly what I'm doing right now. Today was my first French test, and I think I did ok, but I'll have to wait until Monday to find out how I did. But overall, things seem to finally be settling into a rhythm, I have my routine down, and I am seeing much better days.

This week did not start off well. Sunday morning was terrible. Writing about it now, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but in the moment it was just one of those everything-going-wrong kind of mornings. My normal RER was not running, which meant I had to take a train way out of the way to get to church. I left the house as the first service was starting, and a couple delayed trains and a long bus ride later (never riding the bus again), I arrived 20 minutes late for the second service. On the way to church, I was stopped by the Metro controllers and got fined €33 on the spot for not having my picture on my Navigo pass. I knew this was something I needed to do, but I didn't know how to or where to do that. Turns out, there are little photo kiosks in every metro station, and it costs only €5 to get a set of 5 photos. How I missed these booths, I'll never know. Needless to say, I have my photo on my Navigo now. On top of that, the stress of still not having renters for my house, and some other things just compounded into one sucky morning. I ended up hanging out with friends later that day, so that was fun. Plus, my friend's husband was able to get the SIM card my host family gave me working on my phone. Finally back to my Galaxy. The only weird thing is that I can receive texts but not send them. Still need to figure that out.

As far as how things have been in the house, they have been much better. My host mom had read my last blog post, and asked to talk to me about it. She was really great about it, and we had a good talk, and since then things have been 100% better. The thing is though, I realize now that most of the problem was my perception of the situation. Whoever said "perception is reality" is totally wrong. My perception of how things were going was not at all the reality of the situation. While my host mom did talk to G about being more understanding in terms of my inability to communicate in French, the fact of the matter is I somehow just didn't stop to think about a few things. First, I know he loved his last au pair, and when the family told me this on my first day, I thought she had done something to get G to like her that I was just incapable of doing. But during my chat with my host mom, I'll call her C, she told me that the last au pair started exactly where I did. She had to build that bond with him over time, and he was the same way with her. The second thing is that, as C stated, G is acting no different than any other 8 year old in the world. And she's right. He's a normal 8 year old boy that is going to like me and not like me sometimes. As I went back to my room that night, I felt kind of dumb for not connecting these dots. Maybe it was just me being all over the place and being a bit culture-shocked, but still...I should have just realized that these things take time. I also think that I've been a bit shy around the family. Some people may not realize I have a shy side, but I do, and when the family is sitting around the table, my first instinct is not to walk in and join them, but to go to my room. C told me that this is not what they want, and that I am always welcome and that they want me to interact with them more. So I've made more of an effort to step out of my comfort zone and do just that. I started to wake up early enough that I can have my morning coffee while G is eating breakfast. It's pretty silent right now since he is a) not a morning person just like me and b) the language barrier. But I'm hoping the language clicks with me soon, and I can have something to chat with him about. 

Some of my au pair friends that I've made have had such horrible placements. One already switched families, and the other is trying to get out of her situation. It made me realize how fortunate I am to be with the family I have. And with G, a few things I've noticed and I'm going to make a prediction right now. He is a great soccer player, and I'm willing to bet that he is going to be a pro player one day for Barcelona (I asked who he wanted to play for), will be famous for his amazing hair, and he is going to be a heartbreaker. I've noticed when I take him or pick him up from school that he a leader among his peers and the guy all the girls flock to. I laughed so hard one day because I showed up to pick him up, and there were a couple of girls hanging on his arms. When we left, I used my translate app to write that all the girls seem to like him. As he paused to read it, he got this cute grin on his face, then shrugged his shoulders like "what can I say?" It was so funny. He's been better with me too, and one thing we've started to do together is drawing. He came in my room late night while I was studying for my test and just started drawing pictures on my spare notecards. 

Other than things at home, I've also gotten used to a few other things. The French "bise" greeting of a kiss on each cheek threw me off for about a week. I knew it was a thing before I came, but when you are conditioned your entire life to shake someone's hand, it resulted in an awkward pause the first few times it happened. Now, I expect it so it's not a big deal. Another thing I've noticed (and even brought up to someone else who agreed because it was freaking me out) is that I'm convinced the friends and family I have in America all have a doppleganger walking the streets of Paris. I've seen probably a dozen strangers that could pass as the twin, or at least the sibling, of someone I know in the U.S. It's caused me to double and sometimes triple take a look at a random person. They also have pink toilet paper in the house. Apparently, you can get a variety of colors, and I'm not looking forward to only having the boring white selections when I return to the States. haha

The biggest hurdle I've encountered this week has got to be the RER. As I wrote previously, I do feel like a pro at using the railway systems. But one thing I have not gotten used to, and it goes against every fiber of my being, is being late for things when the trains are delayed (and they are delayed a lot). I'm probably about 20-30 minutes late for class every day. Even today, G had a field trip so I had to take him to school 20 minutes early. "Sweet!" I thought, I can be on time for class today! Well...that didn't happen. I got to the station in my town at 8:10, and stood there for 30 minutes as the 4 upcoming trains were all delayed. It only took a total of 40 minutes to get to class, but I was still 20 minutes late. My teacher is totally understanding, but anyone who knows me at all knows how punctual I am, and this has been the biggest adjustment for me to make. Normally, I don't mind the commute times because I don't often have somewhere to be at a specific time. The exception is going to class, or meeting friends at a specific time. I can easily spend an hour each way (or longer) on the RER and Metro with the multiple changes I have to make. Maybe most people here are used to delayed trains and long commutes. Or maybe I've found the reason so many Parisians are chain smokers? After braving the metro each day during rush hour, I can hardly blame them.

That's about all the updates I have. Next week, G has 2 weeks off of school. I will have him for the first week all day, and I have some plans for some outings to the movies or to the park planned. The second week, he will be on vacation with his family in Bordeaux, and I'm headed to London for a long weekend to visit my family friend Kate that I haven't seen in almost 19 years exactly. I'm pretty excited for that. 

À bientôt!

the honest truth about the last 2 weeks

Hello my friends. I’m coming to you today from a quiet little corner of Jardin du Tuleries. It’s a lovely fall day, so I thought I’d write outside.

So let’s get real. I’m not one for sugarcoating the truth, and in the interest of keeping this record of my journey here in Paris as authentic as possible, there are going to be times when my updates are not warm and fuzzy. This is one of those times.

Before I came, I had a realistic expectation of what my transition was going to be like. Yes, I was (and am) excited to be moving to Paris, but as I said in one of my first posts, I’m expecting hard days. I’m expecting the culture shock. I’m expecting to cry. And well, I’m here at the 2 week mark and all of that has been true. Let me first talk about the difficult things, but I do have some good things to talk about as well.

One of the first questions I am asked about my host family is “Are they nice?” The answer is yes, they are nice. However, I can tell they like their space and that they want me to have a social life outside of the home. This is obviously not a bad thing, because I know the family needs their time together. But I feel pretty in the way most of the time, not like a part of the family. Maybe this will change with time. But the other side of the coin is that as much as I do not regret becoming an au pair, I do regret that I didn’t do this when I was younger instead of as a 29 year old. I own my own house in Virginia, have lived alone for several years, had a safe haven and place to call my own, and a place to relax at the end of a stressful day. Now, I am in tight quarters with a family, the only “me” space is my bedroom, and I’m sharing a bathroom with 3 other people. The only shower in the house is in the parent’s bedroom, so I can’t even shower while they are home, which means I typically shower in the middle of the day after I get home from classes and before I pick up G. I don’t feel like I have a home, because well….I don’t. I have a place I’m staying, but I don’t have a place that is mine. I know it’s not forever, so I can deal with it until July when G’s school year is over. But only being 2 weeks in, it’s definitely already difficult. There are no locks on the bedroom doors, and G likes to sometimes just walk in when I’m doing homework or something. I also feel like I have to tiptoe around, and it’s just difficult feeling like you don’t really belong in someone’s home.

All of this would be better if my relationship with G was more solid. The kid is sweet, but he also has a sour side. I can never tell if it’s my fault, or if he just doesn’t like me, or what his problem is sometimes. Like Thursday, he was so sweet. We got home, he wanted me to draw with him so I did, I made him dinner which he liked, then we watched tv and he wanted to play marbles with me so we did that until his mom got home. Then later, when I was in my room doing my homework, he came in, got some pictures with me on my computer and was just hanging out all sweet. I thought I was making progress and he was starting to get used to me. Then yesterday, I pick him up from school, and immediately I can tell he’s in a pissy mood. I try to ask if he is tired, and instead of answering, he just yells at me in French correcting my crappy pronunciation. We walked back to the house in silence, I made him dinner and got a thumbs up that it was good, but then he didn’t say much. This morning, I come downstairs to plug in the phone the family gave me (which has a communal charger in the middle of the living room and it dies way too fast…super irritating), and when I say hello, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. Instead, he starts yelling to his mom, and I hear my name, and I have no idea what I’ve done in the 10 seconds I’ve been downstairs. She comes over and sees me and is trying to figure out what he’s saying. She tells me it’s something about the charger, then she looks at him, then looks at me and tells me I’m fine to plug in my phone. I guess he was pissed I was using the charger (which was not being used to charge his iPad at the moment). I mean wtf kid? Then I quickly get ready so I can just get the heck out of the house and for whatever reason leaving was so awkward when I said goodbye to the family.

I have this anxiety that if G doesn’t like me then I’ll be fired or something, but I don’t think that’s allowed with my contract. Or maybe it is? I have no idea. I don’t understand how I can be so good with kids, but for some reason this kid seems to be hot and cold. I also have started to dislike taking him or picking him up from school, because he will start talking about me to his friends and I get the distinct feeling the kid is talking trash. Maybe it’s in my head. But body language speaks pretty loudly. It’s frustrating and disheartening, especially when I live under the same roof. I don’t want the parents to think I’m doing something wrong, but in reality they will probably believe what he tells them.

Maybe it’s worse in my head. But I can’t understand any of them when they speak to each other in front of me, so it’s like I’m standing there not knowing what G is saying. I swear I’m not doing anything to piss this kid off, he is just….I don’t even know. I can’t even explain. The one thing that is keeping me mentally grounded is reminding myself that I feel completely where the Lord wants me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning from all of this or what He’s going to do, but I really don’t feel like I’m somehow in the wrong place. I just wish things would start getting better with G. Waiting for the train this morning, I started tearing up on the platform just completely overwhelmed and feeling like I don’t have a place to call home and feeling like the 1 kid I have in my care doesn’t even like me.

On the upside, I have loved living in Paris. I have made a lot of new friends just this week, and got to go out for the first time last night with a friend from my French class. We hit up a bar in the 5^th arrondissement (which are districts, there are 20 total within the city borders) called Le Violon Dingue. It was a pretty chill bar, and actually run by English-speaking expats.

What I really love and am starting to feel more comfortable doing is heading out by myself if I don’t have anyone to meet up with. I don’t want to spend my time at the house or in my room, so I have to find things to do at all times. This morning, I decided to head to a restaurant I found on Pinterest before I left the States called HolyBelly up in the 10^th arrondissement. It’s an English-speaking place, and I set out for it to have brunch by myself. I felt a little awkward at first, because it was packed when I got there and the only single seat was at a long table that multiple parties could sit at. I was right in the middle and felt super out of place, but I sucked it up and just ordered coffee and food. The coffee was amazing, and this cheered me up. I pulled out the book I brought with me (tons of people usually have a book in hand in this city on the metro or wherever) and just read until my food came. Oh my word…the food. Holy amazingness in my belly. Pancakes with 2 eggs sunny side up on top of it with bacon and maple syrup. Eggs on top of pancakes? Oh yes….and it was freaking incredible. After a few bites, part of the table cleared up, so I moved down to the end to feel less awkward. This older couple sat down next to me, and after a while a girl about my age came in alone and sat across from me. When she ordered, I could tell she was American, so I started chatting with her, then the couple next to us started chatting with us too. They are in Paris because the husband works for the government and has a 2 year post over here. The girl my age works for a wine company and is here for 6 months. I actually had a really good time just chatting with them. I ended up staying for about an hour and a half, and we all swapped stories of where we’ve been so far, and I got some good tips on what else to check out in the city. This is the part of my trip that I really love. You really have no idea who you are going to meet and where, but once you find another expat, it’s super easy to just strike up a conversation because they are in the same boat. They all encouraged me with my rough couple of days with G as well and told me that he’ll get over it and things will get better. That turned my day around.

Yesterday, my normal train was down and it will be down for the next couple of days. When I started to take my normal trip home, I was in the La Défense station and the train was docked, but not moving and the lights were off. However, there were some people sitting inside, so I got on in case it started to go. Then there was an announcement over the intercom, of course in French, and people started filing off the train. Alright, I guess this means I should follow too. I get back onto the platform, and this super tall guy about my age comes up to me and asks “Parlez-vous anglais?” “Yes.” “Oh, you’re not French.” “Nope, was kind of hoping you’d know what was going on.” So we walk over to some station workers and can’t find out any info. Since we are headed in the same direction, we went together to find an alternate route home. We get to talking, and turns out he’s from Australia and is moving back in a month. I jokingly asked about his wardrobe choice since he was in spandex shorts and had clearly just been working out in the middle of Paris when his stop was so far out of the city. “Oh you know…I just love awkwardly walking through Paris like this.” About an hour later and a couple of metro switches, we end up at Saint Lazare station, which is huge and really beautiful, and has trains that go past the closer suburbs of Paris. Looks like these are the only trains I can take until the RER is up and running again. Super annoying because it’s so far out of the way, but what can you do. After all of that, he ended up inviting me to hang out tonight with him and his other Aussie friends that came into town today. We’ll see if it happens, but all that to say, I love how often I meet new people here. Not only new people, but people from literally everywhere around the world. There’s a few girls in my French classes I’ve become friends with, and one of which is from Columbia. There’s no shortage of topics to discuss since everyone I meet has such different stories and they come from all walks of life. This is what I hoped Paris would be, and is has not disappointed me. I wanted to meet new people, see the world from other points of view, and just put myself out there and be spontaneous and I’ve had so many opportunities to do that and it’s only been 1 week since I made my first friends.

---

After my last paragraph, I packed up my stuff and headed to meet my friend J and her friend A at a cute little place called Saint Augustine. My first sidewalk café experience. After a while, they invited me along with their friends to a wine festival up in Montmartre right outside the Sacré-Cœur Basilica and its surrounding streets. It was fun, and the view of Paris at night from up there was super pretty. But it was crazy crowded. Annoyingly crowded. But we got some food and wine and chatted for a while, then headed out.

Overall, it has been a really fun day. Tomorrow, I have no idea how I’m going to make it to church since the RER A is not running. I haven’t tried the bus system yet and I haven’t even attempted to find out how it works. That might be my only option though.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Feel free to pray for me and G to bond because that’s pretty much the thing that makes or breaks my mood for the day. I know that overall this experience will be the best of my life, but not having my own space and everything else I’ve already said are making it hard. However, after meeting so many au pairs lately, I can honestly tell you that I have it so good, even with everything I’ve already said. Many I’ve talked to ended up switching families or want to switch families because they are treated so poorly. So at least my situation isn’t that bad. I just want to feel like I’m belong here, not like I’m a rude house guest.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone. J